32 Amazing Michael Keaton Quotes From His Best Movies
Michael Keaton (whose real name is Michael Douglas, by the way) is known as one of the most versatile actors of his generation (if not all time), in part for his nearly unfailing talent of performing dialogue with pitch-perfect delivery. In fact, we cannot imagine that our favorite quotes from the best Michael Keaton movies would have been nearly as memorable if spoken by anyone else. Take a look at our picks for the best examples and see for yourself.
“Ah. Well, I Went To Julliard…” – Beetlejuice
In Beetlejuice, when Adam (Alex Baldwin) and Barbara Maitland (Geena Davis) ask the titular bio-exorcist (really spelled Betelgeuse) for his qualifications, his plea starts off promising, and even reflects Michael Keaton’s real-life accolades, until it gets aggressively creepy. Bask in the full quote here: “Ah. Well, I attended Juilliard. I’m a graduate of Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I’ve seen THE EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU’RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I’m qualified?”
“I’m Not Going To Kill You. I Want You To Do Me A Favor. I Want You To Tell All Your Friends About Me” – Batman
The first thing Michael Keaton’s version of the Dark Knight says in Tim Burton‘s 1989 blockbuster might be the definitive cinematic Batman quote. It establishes his non-lethal policy (even though he breaks that rule often) and demonstrates how fear is an essential tool in his war against crime in Gotham City.
“Idea To Eliminate Garbage. Edible Paper” – Night Shift
Michael Keaton really shines in his first movie, director Ron Howard‘s Night Shift, in which he gives a star-making performance as the eccentric and highly energetic Bill Blazejowski (a character we would love to see him return as). One of his memorable quirks is making recordings of his innovative ideas, such as this one that actually sounds like it might do wonders for the environment.
“You Think You Can Take Away My Hope Like That? Let Me Tell You Something: That’s All I Have” – My Life
One of Michael Keaton’s most moving dramatic performances is in 1993’s My Life as Bob Jones, who is diagnosed with a terminal illness right as his wife (played by Nicole Kidman) becomes pregnant with their first child. After his doctor tells him his condition is not improving and that he cannot recommend further treatment, Bob barges back into his office with this heartbreaking rebuttal.
“Don’t You Ever, Ever Interfere With My Business Again, Because If You Do, I’ll Kill You, And Everyone That You Love. I’ll Kill You Dead. That’s What I’ll Do To Protect My Family, Pete.” – Spider-Man: Homecoming
In 2017’s Spider-Man: Homecoming, after Peter Parker (Tom Holland) discovers that his crush is the daughter of Adrian “Vulture” Toomes (Michael Keaton), the weapons dealer realizes Peter is the titular vigilante right dropping them off at the homecoming. This moment right here, in which he threatens the struggling, is what cemented Toomes as one of the best Spider-Man movie villains ever.
“Do Me A Favor, Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” – The Other Guys
Michael Keaton steals the show from stars Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg in 2010’s The Other Guys as Capt. Gene Mauch. One of his most hilarious moments is when he unwittingly quotes the song “Waterfalls,” which ends up being one of a few TLC hits he references without realizing it.
“I’d Rather Be A Pig Than A Fascist” – Porco Rosso
In the English-language dub of the 1992 Studio Ghibli favorite, Porco Rosso, Michael Keaton voices the titular 1930s-era pilot, who becomes cursed to resemble a swine. However, he demonstrates that his unfavorably animalistic appearance is a small price to pay compared to the stealing of civil rights, which he continues to fight against.
“You Know How When You Make A Copy Of A Copy, It’s Not As Sharp As… Well… The Original” – Multiplicity
One of Michael Keaton’s funniest comedies, 1996’s Multiplicity sees him playing multiple roles, including overworked family man Doug Kinney and his duplicates. Doug later discovers that a third clone has been made from his second clone and boasts a helplessly infantile personality, which Doug #3 explains is a similar process to xeroxing a photo.
“This Play Is Kinda Starting To Feel Like A Major Deformed Version Of Myself That Just Keeps Following Me Around, Hitting Me In The Balls With A Tiny Little Hammer” – Birdman
Michael Keaton gives a wonderfully meta, Academy Award-nominated performance in Alejandro González Iñárritu’s Best Picture Oscar winner, 2014’s Birdman, as a former superhero movie star looking to make a comeback with a Broadway play. With this quote, he describes to his daughter, Sam (Emma Stone), the struggles he has faced writing, directing, producing, and leading this show, which also hints at the hallucinatory title character that has been taunting him through the whole process.
“You Wanna Get Nuts? C’Mon, Let’s Get Nuts!” – Batman
One of the things that makes Michael Keaton one of the best live-action Batman actors is his courage to be more unhinged as Bruce Wayne than when in the cape and cowl. No scene in 1989’s Batman demonstrates this better than when he threatens Jack Nicholson’s Joker with a fire poker in Vicki Vale’s (Kim Basinger) apartment
“It’s a Marx Brothers movie every time I step in my office” – The Paper
More than two decades before he starred in Spotlight, Michael Keaton reunited with director Ron Howard to play a newspaper editor in the 1995 dramedy, The Paper. This quote is his way of describing the comical insanity that he faces at work on a daily basis.
“It’s Showtime” – Beetlejuice
With a few exceptions, there may not be a more definitive Beetlejuice quote than Betelgeuse’s declarative quip after Lydia resurrects him. It is a line on par with The Shining’s “Here’s Johnny!” in terms of, not only its iconography, but the authority in Michael Keaton’s voice as he delivers it.
“I’m An Escaped Mental Patient With A History Of Violence” – The Dream Team
In 1989’s The Dream Team, Michael Keaton plays one of four men who run wild in New York City when their doctor goes missing on the way to catch a baseball game. At one point they stop at a restaurant where Keaton’s character, Billy, notices some patrons harassing a server and he threatens them with this bluntly honest remark.
“You Know, In Truth, I Don’t Think I’ve Been In This Room Before” – Batman
One of the funniest Batman movie scenes comes from the 1989 flick, when Vicki Vale, on a date with Bruce Wayne in his manor, asks if he likes eating in his very large dining room. At first he replies affirmatively, before joking that the room is unfamiliar to him, which has the photojournalist cackling.
“If My Competitor Were Drowning, I’d Walk Over And Put A Hose Right In His Mouth” – The Founder
The Founder from 2016 tells the story of how struggling salesman Ray Kroc (Michael Keaton) turned a local burger joint into a corporate fast food empire we know today as McDonald’s by morally questionable methods. One pivotal scene sees him on the phone with the McDonald Brothers, Dick (Nick Offerman) and Mac (John Carroll Lynch), explaining his brutal, “dog-eat-dog” business philosophy.
“…But A Kiss Can Be Even Deadlier If You Mean It” – Batman Returns
One of Michael Keaton’s definitive Batman movie moments is when Bruce Wayne realizes while dancing with her at Max Schreck’s holiday ball, that Selina Kyle (Michelle Pfeiffer) is Catwoman. What tips him off is when, after noticing the mistletoe above them, she quotes the Dark Knight’s claim that, “it can be deadly if you eat it,” and he replies by quoting the feline-esque thief.
“I’m The Ghost With The Most, Babe” – Beetlejuice
Without counting, say, Casper or Patrick Swayze’s Sam in Ghost, we cannot think of a more iconic and beloved ghostly character in cinematic history than Betelgeuse. Therefore, the reply Michael Keaton’s titular villain gives Lydia Deetz (Beetlejuice cast member Winona Ryder) when she asks if he is a ghost is far from one of his tricks but, just about, the most honest thing he has ever said.
“I Coulda Been Happy. I Coulda Been A Yankees Fan” – Game 6
One of Michael Keaton’s most underrated films, and one of the most unconventional sports movies ever, is 2005’s Game 6, in which he stars as a playwright named Nicky Rogan, who is more preoccupied with the sixth game of the 1986 World Series than his latest show. The reason is that he is a Red Sox fan, which, given the Boston baseball team’s unfortunate history, has caused him much disappointment in life.
“My Brain Is Like Oatmeal…” – Mr. Mom
In 1983’s John Hughes-penned Mr. Mom, Michael Keaton plays Jack Butler, who, after losing his job, decides to take on household responsibilities while his wife, Caroline (Teri Garr), re-enters the workforce. However, there comes a point when he feels he is starting to lose his mind after yelling at his son for coloring outside the lines and enjoying the same soapy TV series as a woman named Megan.
“What Kind Of Bonehead Cop Would Send Four Confessed Mental Patients Back Out In The Streets?” – The Dream Team
In one funny scene from The Dream Team, Billy (Michael Keaton) and others head to a police station to report their missing doctor but only end up annoying police sergeant Vincente (Brad Sullivan). He orders the foursome to leave the station or he will put them in jail, which prompts this reply from Billy.
“You Know What, I Mistook Me For Someone Else” – Batman Returns
When Michael Keaton’s Bruce Wayne first meets Selina Kyle in Batman Returns, he very nearly lets it slip out that he previously met her when he saved her from one of Penguin’s goons as the Caped Crusaders. He tries to cover it up by saying he mistook her for someone else, but instead lets out a flub that is actually more accurate.
“This Paperwork Is Like Bob’s Wife Here. It’s Thick, Ugly, And Has Danson’s Fingerprints All Over It” – The Other Guys
In The Other Guys, Capt. Gene Mauch (Michael Keaton) briefs his staff about some very irritating paperwork they have to fill out by comparing it to an officer’s spouse. However, Bob (Michael Delaney) does not seem to take any offense to the insulting comment, but we imagine his wife certainly would.
“I Want Pizza. Give Me Some Pizza” – Multiplicity
In one funny moment from Multiplicity, Laura (Andie MacDowall) is pouring her heart out to whom she believes is her husband, Doug (Michael Keaton), but it is really his third and least intelligent clone. When she asks him what she wants from their relationship, he responds by requesting the one thing he loves more than anything.
“I’m Batman” – Batman
In the original script for 1989’s Batman, a costumed Bruce Wayne was supposed to answer the Gotham City goon’s question (“What are you?”) with “I am the night.” That might have sounded pretty cool, but we do prefer Keaton’s idea to matter-o-factly call himself Batman, which has since been repeated in other live-action Batman movies, like by Christian Bale in Batman Begins.
“Now The Red Sox, Now, Here, We Have A Rich History Of Really Fascinating Ways To Lose A Crucial Game” – Game 6
As Nicky Rogan, Michael Keaton delivers a really passionate monologue representing the sad life of a Red Sox fan in Game 6. The full quote is, “When the Mets lose, they just lose. It’s a flat feeling; there’s nothing there. Now the Red Sox, now, here, we have a rich history of really fascinating ways to lose a crucial game. You know what I mean? Defeats that just keep you awake at night. They pound in your head like the hammer of fate. Yeah, you can analyze a Red Sox game day and night for a month and still uncover really complex layers of feelings. Feelings you didn’t even know you were capable of having. Yeah. That kind of pain has a memory all of its own.”
“You Already Did” – The Flash
One of the best things about 2023’s The Flash is Michael Keaton’s return as Batman, which leads to quite a few fun Easter Eggs referencing his previous adventures in the Cape and Cowl, but his most memorable and important scene from the DC Multiverse-spanning adventure is at the moment of Bruce Wayne’s death. As he is about to succumb to injuries from battling a large Kryptonian, Barry Allen (Ezra Millers) asks, “We can’t bring you back, can we?” but Wayne assures that goal was already achieved when the young speedster inspired the wealthy recluse to put the suit back on.
“We’ve Got Two Stories Here: A Story About Degenerate Clergy, And A Story About A bunch Of Lawyers Turning Child Abuse Into A Cottage Industry. Now, Which Story Do You Want Us To Write? Because We’re Writing One Of Them” – Spotlight
In another Best Picture Oscar-winning Michael Keaton movie, 2015’s Spotlight, Boston Globe investigative reporter Walter “Robby” Robinson (Keaton) leans on lawyer Eric Macleish (Billy Crudup) to help him finish a story about child abuse cover-ups in the Catholic Church. As the fact-based film details, the article would go on to inspire stronger awareness of the topic in America and win The Pulitzer Prize.
“The Plane Started To Rattle And Shake, And Everyone On Board Was Crying And Praying. And I Just Sat There. Sat There Thinking That When Sam Opened That Paper It Was Going To Be Clooney’s Face On The Front Page. Not Mine” – Birdman
A scene that definitively demonstrates the personality of Michael Keaton’s Birdman character, Riggan Thomson, sees him recalling a time when he thought he was going to die on a plane he shared with George Clooney, knowing that the former ER actor would have gotten more attention. What makes this already darkly comic moment even funnier is how Clooney was one of Keaton’s successors in the role of Batman.
“Long-distance Relationships Can Be Difficult, Especially When One Of You Is Dead And The Other Is Ignoring You For Thirty Years” – Beetlejuice Beetlejuice
The ending of 1988’s Beetlejuice sees Michael Keaton’s mischievous ghost attempt to marry Lydia Deetz in an effort to escape the Afterlife. Well, it appears Betelgeuse still has a thing for Winona Ryder’s character decades later, as he implies in the 2024 sequel, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.
“Actually, I Was Just Counting On A Lot Of Missing” – Johnny Dangerously
Michael Keaton stars in the title role of a funny spoof movie (let alone one of the most underrated) from 1984 called Johnny Dangerously, in which he plays a mobster who tries to go legit when his brother, Tommy (Griffin Dunne) becomes the local D.A. At one point, after acting like a human shield to save Tommy, he admits to him that it was never truly a sacrificial act.
“Is This A Great Country, Or What?” – Night Shift
In Night Shift, Henry Winkler’s Chuck Lumley and Michael Keaton’s Bill Blazejowski team up to use their morgue as a safe space for local ladies of the night. Chuck reflects on the insanity of this new gig as “love brokers,” but Bill’s remark implies he has no reservations about it whatsoever.
“Go Ahead. Make My Millennium” – Beetlejuice
Betelgeuse makes numerous pop culture references in Beetlejuice, such as when he paraphrases Clint Eastwood’s famous catchphrase from the fourth Dirty Harry movie, 1983’s Sudden Impact. The quip occurs when he and the Maitlands come to odds over how to handle scaring the Deetzes out of their home.
