Five types of polyamory and what they mean
Did you know that polyamory is an umbrella term? Well, it is! And it encompasses a huge array of ethically non-monogamous relationship styles.
Polyamory or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is loosely defined as the practice of being romantically involved with multiple, consenting partners.
Polyamorous relationships can come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Many of them have boundaries similar to a monogamous relationship and have the same repercussions for breaking those boundaries.
Ethical non-monogamy has absolutely nothing to do with polygamy – the practice where one person, typically a man, has multiple spouses often without consent. It is illegal in many countries, including the UK, the US and Canada.
This misinterpretation between polyamory and polygamy is a huge reason why the public may continue to view polyamory negatively, viewing it as unethical, seedy, or even perverse. In reality, non-monogamous relationships focus on ethics by prioritising consent.
Here are five kinds of ethical non-monogamy, what they mean, and their benefits.
Throuple
Arguably one of the most well-known styles of non-monogamy, a throuple, also known as a ‘triad‘, is a romantic relationship where three people share equal emotional, physical, and sexual connections with each other. They’re effectively a kind of non-problematic love triangle.
The key point of a throuple is that they are non-hierarchical – each member of the triad shares an equal connection. It should not be conflated with a purely sexual experience involving three people.
Unlike other forms of non-monogamy, throuples are often closed, meaning no one is allowed to date outside the trio much like an analogous monogamous couple.
The benefits of a throuple include a wider support network that helps to ease pressures that might otherwise be overwhelming in a monogamous relationship. Some have said that arguments are less common too, since one partner can act as a mediator if others are having issues.
Kitchen Table Polyamory
When you think of a polyamorous relationship, chances are you’re either thinking of a throuple or what’s known as “Kitchen Table Polyamory” or KTP for short.
Put simply, KTP is a form of ethical non-monogamy where each person in a polycule maintains a friendly relationship with one another regardless of whether they are dating or not. Effectively, you would all be happy being together around a kitchen table, hence the name!
Partners in a KTP polycule that aren’t dating are known as metamours, or ‘meta’ for short – basically, your partner’s partner.
There are no hard and fast rules on the structure of KTP relationships. They can be a web of interconnected partners or a circle of separate relationships. They can be small, big, and sometimes even massive!
KTP works for so many people because it’s a style that is both rigid and flexible. There are no strict boundaries for KTP, which means that polycules have the freedom to create those boundaries as they see fit.
Others flock to KTP relationships because they prioritise happiness, friendliness, and community rather than strict boundaries over keeping partners segmented, which can cause all kinds of issues.
Don’t worry, you don’t need a kitchen table to be in a kitchen table polycule.
Solo Polyamory
Solo polyamory is arguably one of the more misunderstood labels under the ENM umbrella. Put simply, solo polyamory refers to those that have multiple intimate relationships with people, but prioritise personal autonomy above all else.
A solo polyamorous person rejects the conventional steps of a long-term relationship, choosing not to cohabitate or share finances with their partners.
As solo poly blogger Minka puts it: “[Solo poly people] aren’t necessarily looking for another person to be their primary or ‘nesting’ partner. Instead, solo polyamorous people often see themselves as their own primary partner. Or they simply want to live a remarkably independent life.”
The term gets regularly confused with solo dating, but is far from it. Solo polyamory is distinct because it still come with expectations, just not ones that limit a person’s autonomy. Solo poly relationships can still be long-term, meaningful, and serious, but allow a person the space to exercise their own freedoms.
Journalist Amy Gahran, who popularised the term in 2012, argues that solo poly relationships have the potential to be more meaningful by allowing partners to focus on their feelings towards one another without unnecessary baggage. This, in turn, allows them to understand if a relationship is or is not working.
“We must continue to bring joy to each other,” she writes. “Maybe not every single day; there are always hard times and lulls in any relationship. Maybe not screaming-in-ecstasy joy all the time. But even a quiet smile, a shared joke, a co-created accomplishment. That’s all joy. Without joy, what’s the point?”
Relationship Anarchy
Undoubtedly the coolest named polyamory style, relationship anarchy is not just a relationship format; it is a component and symbol of a person’s political, social and cultural beliefs.
Sometimes abbreviated to RA, relationship anarchy, as the name suggests, applies the philosophical and political elements of anarchism to ethically non-monogamous relationships.
RA has one, fundamental rule – there are no rules. It is, by design, fluid, undefinable, and free of restrictive labels such as ‘friend’ or ‘lover’. Even the term polyamory could be considered by some to be too restrictive to apply to RA.
Relationship anarchists reject what’s known as Amatonormativity – a set of social assumptions and pressures that define romantic relationships – opting instead for non-hierarchical, often non-monogamous, forms of intimacy.
In a column for Aeon, journalist Sophie K Rosa writes that relationship anarchy is less a “libertarian ‘free-for-all’ philosophy”, but something that prioritises “empathy, communication, and consent”.
“Although the concept of ‘anarchy’ is a radical one, a person guided by this approach might have a surprisingly ordinary life,” Rosa writes. “For some, it might simply mean looking afresh at a cherished marriage, and deciding life would be richer if friendships were similarly nurtured.”
Polyfidelity
If you read the section on triads and wondered to yourself whether such a thing is possible with more than three people, look no further than polyfidelity!
One of the oldest forms of ethical non-monogamy, polyfidelity is a non-hierarchical relationship with three or more people who agree not to date anyone outside the group.
While examples of polyfidelitous relationships date as far back as the 19th century, the term itself was coined in the 1970s by members of the Kerista Commune, a utopian community in San Francisco.
These relationships often act in the same way that a monogamous relationship would, with the same conventional assumptions and boundaries. Dating outside of the relationship would be considered just as adulterous as an analogous monogamous relationship.
Polyfidelitous people typically choose this style of relationship because of the emotional safety and support that comes from having a closely-knit group of intimate partners.
A study from Walden University found that polyfidelitous people find group relationship dynamics fulfilling because it allows them to express “multiple sides of themselves” with one or more of their partners.
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